When my dad passed I realized very quickly that everything he told me about life was true. He used to say,
“nothing in this life is guaranteed except death. Our body is only a vessel.”
He was [or rather] is right. That’s why I got my MFA in Fashion Design. This is what drives me. Fashion is something that has always been natural for me. I never wanted to work for anyone in fashion. I wanted my own adventure. I wanted my own swimwear line.
The whole “influencer” thing just naturally happened. What everyone fails to realize is how hard it is to start your own line alone. I was warned by professor but she told me that she thought I could do it. That is reassuring when a teacher believes in you.
Starting your own line takes so much out of you when you are not sleeping and constantly working and obsessing over whether your work is perfect! I’m also very ADHD, pretty much an insomniac and I have anxiety. I’m literally working all of the time. My brain never really turns off. It’s constantly going all of the time.
People assume that ADHD and insomnia are great things because they think that you are able to do so much and you should finish quickly. Trying to start your business with these two can be a tricky journey… especially when you have so many distractions around you and when you are anxious.
I’m currently at a point where I pretty much have everything done. All I really need to do is have a few pictures taken and work on tags and descriptions. I’m sure you are thinking to yourself… What the fu*k is she waiting for? This is where all of my ailments come together and slap me in the face.
Failure. Distractions. Anxiety.
I’ve worked so hard and so long on it that I realized that I’m paralyzed with fear. For those that know me you know that I don’t like failure. I preach all of the time that
“without failure you will never find success. It’s part of the process.”
Like most people… I don’t always practice what I preach. My clothing line is my baby. If I fu*k that up then there is no coming back for me. I don’t want to fail. With my mind always running I end up losing focus and working on other things that could wait and then I’m up for no damn reason and there goes my brain obsessing over whether what I have created is perfect or not.
He also used to tell me that I need to always do my best. Coming from a 100% Nigerian family means that your best is A++ not A+. I guess this is another reason why I have such deep issues with failure and a need for perfection. I took that need to succeed and brought it to a completely unrealistic level.
As I got older I realized that I was confusing failure with not doing my best but in reality it was my best. It just happened to be that my best was not a success and I need to work harder.
Sometimes we are own worst enemy. We need to remember that there is always going to be something to distract us. I want you to know that I am owning up to my fear and learning how to deal with all of my ailments. Life is too short to not follow your path. It is too short to allow you to lose focus. Knowing that nothing is guaranteed is why I am still here and I am still pushing this line out even if its the last thing I do.
Fire Goddess Em